Love is needed as protection, providing, touch, emotional connection and play for us to grow as children and then to thrive as adults. There are essential emotional, psychological and sexual developmental stages for each we must go through, so that we can eventually thrive, fully be ourselves in a loving relationship as adults.
However we can miss out on some of what we needed, so we choose different relationships along the way to help us to fill in the gaps and so we can continue to grow, but we can get stuck replaying a pattern with wrong people and blocking our success.
Jo Warwick shares her 10 reasons why we keep dating the wrong people, instead finding the right relationship for us…
If we didn’t get each of these essentials or receive enough, then we will be left with a real hunger for more! We can end up blaming ourselves, feel guilty for this desire, so we choose partners who repeat this experience of lack.
When there wasn’t enough of the good stuff growing up to go around the family, we learn to believe we must compete to get noticed to receive, because love is lacking and only the worthy get it – so we will choose unavailable people or three people relationships.
This creates a belief based on shame: ‘I am bad for wanting more love’, so we believe we’re not good enough to get love and so we choose relationships punish us for having desire and needing more.
If we don’t yet feel strong and capable enough as individuals, we will seek someone else to play out the parent role, to pretend keep us safe and protected,like a parent, but soon enough this relationship becomes suffocating, because we are adults.
We choose partners who don’t challenge or support our growth to avoid maturing into an adult and taking ownership for our minds, bodies, energy, desires, dreams, actions and choices in life and hunt and provide for ourselves.
6. Testing Power
All dramatic relationships including those in #4 and #5 are based on taking or surrendering power – this can be emotional, physical or sexual. All relationship games are played, because we are replaying the pushing boundaries of the teenage separation process to gain what we are missing so we can mature in all ways.
Duty in relationships is actually self sacrifice and based on fear and part of #6. We will be replaying behaviour we were shown by our role models – see #8
Sticking it out and enduring is actually about suffering and self sacrifice for redemption, as thought we have sinned. This is not a loving relationship with the right person which is founded on mutual respect, equality, enjoyment and sharing your vulnerability and pleasure with someone else and thriving!
Stay in the pain, fear, striving, sacrifice and hope of a brief reward long enough and you will become addicted. The natures of it nature of highs and low, lack and fools gold gives the rush, longing, shame and withdrawal like all addictions.
10. Problem Solving
There is only one reason we choose to date the wrong people, because we are trying to problem solve the past, trying seeking to change it; instead of our response to it. So we play out scenarios with different people, to bring us the same feelings, which we are trying to understand.
Once we learn to change our actions in the now and focus on the solution to getting what we need, instead of trying to understand the past, we can find our way out and start dating the right people for our growth and receive the love we need in all ways…
* Jo Warwick a therapeutic Love specialist and has helped men and women all over the world discover the secrets and skills to love, dating and relationships.