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11 Things He Doesn’t Want You to Find Out

11 Things He Doesn't Want You to Find Out

1. That he was once a bad boyfriend to someone. Everyone has that ex that just brought something insane out of them, and not in a good way. He doesn’t want to go into detail about how he used to get blackout drunk all the time and fight any guy that hit on her because that’s in the past and he regrets it. But he also doesn’t want some small part of you to think, Why doesn’t he beat people up for me?

2. Any presents he wants to surprise you with. If you don’t live together, this is easy. He can just throw it in his closet in case you come over. But if you live together, then he needs to bury it in the backyard or something.

3. His porn. Thanks to the Internet, it’s easier than ever to cover your tracks. Masturbating in 2015 is like committing a murder in 1832; if there aren’t any eyewitnesses, you can just deny it.

4. That he still follows a few sexy Instagram accounts. There’s really no explanation as to why he follows ‘Daily Dose of Titties’ unless he was looking for a daily dose of titties. Accounts like that serve a singular purpose. Although, to be fair, it’s totally possible he forgot. In fact, that’s probably what happened. Leave him alone, he just doesn’t use Instagram that much anyway.

5. The number of people he’s slept with. People freak out about this number. Either it’s too low or too high or just the right number so their partner must be lying. Keep this one ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ Or ‘tell, but don’t care about the answer.’ Either way.

6. That he’s cheating on you. Some people are (unfortunately) way too good at this one. People juggle entire families without their partners ever finding out. That can’t be worth the stress.

7. That he absolutely wasn’t listening to you for the last 10 minutes. To be fair, it’s really annoying to find out nothing you’ve been saying to your partner has actually registered with them. But he has to play it off because not only does he avoid your wrath, but he also saves you from repeating yourself. So in a way, it’s a good thing he lies about having no idea what you’ve been talking about.

8. That he can (and does) get jealous. But he’s probably keeping his jealousy under wraps as best he can.

9. Anything he’s a supernerd about when he first meets you. Hey, no one should be ashamed of their nerdiness, but conversely, no one has ever gotten laid because of their extensive miniatures collection. He’s definitely going to hedge his bets for the first few months and sweep some of his, uh, tendencies under the rug. Which makes someone who owns a bunch of anime DVDs sound like a serial killer. Which, I mean…

10. That he has to poop but doesn’t want to because this is your second date.There’s something terribly distressing about having to poop in someone’s house when you don’t know them that well, especially if you like them. If you poop in someone’s bathroom on a first date, you might as well walk out the door and never call them back. And don’t act like they don’t know you pooped. They know. The point is, plenty of men have tried to hold their bowel movements in on a first date and found an excuse to duck out early.

11. That shirt you told him to throw away and he claimed he did. He didn’t. It’s in the back of the drawer and he still wears it when you aren’t around.

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