Why are failure, disappointment, betrayal, frustration and on-going conflict too often “par for the course” for marriage?
I’ve found that there are delusional, faulty beliefs, and Love Lies, that we can inherit that can lead to marriage ruin. There are four (4) particular Love Lies that are often the main culprits.
#1: The Kids Should be the Centerpiece of the Marriage
If we’re not mindful, we can look up and the child/children have become the focus of all of our attention and energy, while the marriage takes second seat, and can easily get neglected (this applies in blended families, too). Over time, there’s less and less quality time spent enjoying each other’s company, without the kid/kids present; and s*x can easily become a rarity. We can look up and the “soul” of our relationship is starving and it’s thirsty for nourishment.
Strive to keep the well-being of your marriage at the center of your focus, and watch how your kids also benefit. Our children are actually buoyed and energized by the existence of a visible healthy love connection between the mother and father in the home. It creates stability, where they can be at ease and feel secure. It’s a win-win.
#2: He Should Already Know
I call Love Lie #2 the HSAK Syndrome – He Should Already Know. What should he already know, according to wives? He should already know, without us having to tell him or ask, what we want him to do, especially around the house or in relation to the kids. He should already know my likes and dislikes (and we know that these certainly change) without me telling him. If he doesn’t know, we often falsely conclude that he doesn’t care, doesn’t love us as much, or is less invested in the marriage or the kids, and in turn we can become resentful. We must realize that men are made differently, think differently, and are wired differently.
Remember this, he probably doesn’t know. And this doesn’t mean the end of the world. Or that he’s bad or uncaring. It means that you get to be literal, direct and specific; you get to tell him, or even better yet, get good at asking.
#3: Longevity means that the Relationship is deeply satisfying, fulfilling and JUICY
How many times have we heard a married couple mention how many years they’ve been married, and if the number of years is “up there,” meaning 20 years or more, we automatically say “CONGRATULATIONS!” We tend to automatically equate longevity of a marriage with the quality of the relationship. However, a couple can be married for decades and have experienced constant frustration, and more pain than pleasure. The marriage is “dry” instead of juicy. A juicy marriage is one where both partners are deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Remember, it’s not the number of years but the quality of the connection that matters most. Longevity alone does not equal a good marriage.
#4: If communication is taking place, this automatically means that comprehension and understanding are as well.
How many times have we heard talk show relationships experts repeat the mantra, “Communication is the key.” Well, if it is the key, why have so few of us found the lock?
I now realize that for many years of my marriage, I spoke only Womanese, my “native” pattern and style of communication as a woman, and I didn’t speak Manese to my husband – a man’s unique sub-language. Now I realize that I was not speaking a “language” that my husband could comprehend, though his ears could hear the words I was saying.
I used to think that if communication was taking place, then comprehension was also taking place.
Now I’m “bi-lingual” and “fluent” in both Manese and Womanese. Now, instead of speaking to my husband using Womanese concepts, generalities, inferring, or assuming, I now use words that are literal, direct and specific when I speak to him. I’ve learned to stop jumping to conclusions like “He’s not listening” or “What I’m saying isn’t important to him.” I’ve also learned to stop making him wrong if I don’t get the desired response, to have more patience, and to recognize that sometimes my timing is poor. OH, WHAT A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE it’s made.