Many people have different horror stories to tell about how their friend bi somewhere and their sister bi from some another mother married a guy who would sleep through the night and not respond to any form of sexual resuscitation.
I have listened to this over and over again, and I must admit it is an experience you would not wish on your enemy. No, not for someone to have an unsatisfying sexual life in their marriage. But does that in any way justifies sex before marriage? As a Christian Counsellor, I would not pelt you with scriptures to convince you to choose abstinence till you marry.
Your pastor has done a good job on that (and if he has not, change churches, he is not interested in your soul dining with him and Jesus in Heaven. Glory). I will love to give you a common sense approach drawing on many aspects of the issue to present a case, I believe may open your eyes to the realities that will confront you as you meddle in premarital sex.
First, issues that face marriages of our day are more than sex. Sex is good and lovely, but there is more to marriage than sex. Those who cheat, don’t ALWAYS cheat because the husband is a one minute man or the wife is a log in bed; people cheat for so many reasons. Again if you want to resent your spouse, you would find a thousand and one reasons to, even if your husband is a Tarzan in bed and you are a homemade pornstar. Many things would make you resent your spouse, and mostly it is not caused by poor sex. Actually it is the other way round in most cases. Certain prevailing issues can emotionally detach you from your spouse, which invariably lead to their lack of sexual interest in you. From disrespect to abuse and dishonestly, your spouse can drift away from you emotionally, manifesting in their sexual responses to you. A man who is not interested in you sexually (because of some unresolved negative emotions about you) does not make love to you; he simply has sex with you. It becomes a meaningless exercise for his personal release. A woman who is emotionally detached receives her husband’s sexual advances, most painfully, out of obligation and does nothing out of the ordinary.
About sexual impotence; it is an ailment that can set in at any moment in your life. So what if the guy was a Rambo in bed and after six months of marriage, he takes a nap with the sleeping beauty? What if there is an accident that results in the government confiscating his firearm? When a guy is good in bed, does it mean he fires real government issued bullets, or he fires blanks? Some people can do all the acrobatics and gimmicks on you for hours and still can’t sow the seed la.
Oh, but I need to know if he has the skills and the stamina. Listen please, a year into marriage, when a baby comes around, work demand goes through the roof (unless you are unemployed, or you have all the time in the world), and your career ambitions take a new turn, when you see a bump in his boxers, and he starts touching you, you would be upset. I kid you not. ‘Oooh, you too!! Is sex the only thing you think about?’ You will yell at him, sending his Kwame Appiah back into the hole from whence it had crawled, to lick his bruised ego.
The same thing you killed to have, becomes something you start avoiding. Yes, it may not be so with everyone and true in all cases, I agree. Some people have an insatiable appetite for sex, they have relaxed jobs and other family support system that takes the stress off. Some couples build solid friendships in themselves rather than outsiders, so they chill together, go to places together, consciously work at creating the right environment for the fire in their marriages to keep burning. This may include, but not limited to, respecting each other’s emotional, spiritual, social and psychological needs. Otherwise, after five years of marriage, you realise sex is not the ultimate thing that keeps a marriage; it becomes a chore for most young couples I talk to. Most infidelity cases are not a consequence of sexual incompatibility.
About the woman who is so keen on undertaking this sexual expedition to discover that one man who can ‘shine’ it in a manly way (and is it not what this is all about…smh). So the guy shines the ‘distin’ and he is not good enough, you dump him, get another hommie. This new hommie, all built, all fine, sharpshooter…. sniper. 500 kills to his name. Hall of Fame. Maybe two different baby Mamas to prove it. What happens to you? Can you also get pregnant? Can you hold a baby for nine months without miscarriages (and some woman miscarry for many reasons). Can your baby survive after birth? Can you guarantee there will be no disabilities with the child? However, the man at the point of choosing, is not looking at any of these… but you di3…sex soooorrr your mind dey top. What is that?
If you are wise and sit down to think about all these, you would note that the foundation of these arguments are quite weak.
The propensity for sexual dissatisfaction (leading to cheating, especially, with their exes) is higher for those who have had multiple sexual partners at the premarital stage than those who have not. The reason is simple. The more you know, the greater your urge to compare. In fact the comparison comes naturally. If you grow up in a perfect monopolistic market, you choose what is supplied since there is only one supplier (if I got that economics principle right). But if you have had an experience in a competitive market, where you have always had multiple choices, you struggle to accept what you have (now that you have only one choice). This is much so where what you have is in no way better than or at par with what you are used to. That is where your problems start. You can tell good experience from a bad one, turbo charge session from …eerrmmm… a meh one.
So if you say your man is bad in bed, you say it in a comparative sense. He is bad not in comparison to nothing; he is compared to John or Richard. He is small. How did you know? Because, Lord, have mercy, a sister has witnessed different things in her life. Na 3di3n ni? Bra wei paa. Saa pin wei di3 wharrisdat? However, if you two, in your innocence, after marriage, explore yourselves and build a healthy database of the pleasure spots and points of most impact and response and emotional connectivity, trust me you will enjoy your marriage…the same way our ancestors enjoyed our simple way of living without the influence of any other culture. But now you are in bed asking yourself if this bedroom culture is what you want, or want Maame Ama culture or Kwame Appiah culture. Na wei nso eni hw3?
Look for a man who is worth his salt; a man worth being in your panties every night. Don’t go chasing after a man who is nothing to write home about beyond jumping on you and hammering you for hours. Let the right things move you to marry, not a man and his ‘sex business.’ Set your marriage checklist on a proper and enduring criteria. Sex, like I said is good and a good one can send you to heaven and back in an instant. Bless my soul. But what is sex if the guy is a loser in an aluminium foil disguised as a knight in a shining armour.
Paa George, M’ano esi.