I heard the word ‘parody’ for the first time when I wrote a highly opinionated article for a top personal development blog in the U.S earlier this year. Just like I expected, some of the blog readers felt threatened and they asked for my head. Others thought the article was a parody so they kept their cool.
That article wasn’t a parody, but this one is. So please don’t crucify me in the comment section. Rather, relax and enjoy my first real attempt at parody.
Actually a lot of articles have been written of, by, and for single women in the past. I recently read an article by Yetunde Olasiyan on three things single women do not deserve, and I commend her. But then, why settle for three when you can have seven? That’s why I decided to add my voice to the topic and increase mine to seven.
Below is my tongue-in-cheek list of seven things every not-yet married woman does not deserve.
A flourishing career
Please, please and please, you do not have any business looking for a job, let alone keeping one. Your major reason for existence is to get married and bear someone’s children. This purpose should not be jeopardized for any reason.
Fine, we can tolerate you having and keeping a job, but please, why on earth should you aim for a promotion? Why should you even desire a raise? This is the main reason you are no longer focused on your single major purpose: getting married.
Resign if you have to. Reject that promotion too. You do not deserve to have a flourishing career, period. Wanna know why? Of course it is because you are not yet married, durrh.
Happiness in any form
What the heck are you smiling at? What on earth is the reason behind those 32 set of white teeth I see you flashing around? Listen up babe; you do not deserve to be happy if you have not yet said ‘I do’. You should be sad, perpetually crying, and mourning your miserable not-yet-married state.
Save all that smile, laughter and joy for the day you finally get married. Until then, you shouldn’t be happy, period.
Are you fu**ing kidding me? Who on earth told you to buy a car? Listen up babe; I’m here to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sell that car or give it out immediately. You are single goddamnit! It doesn’t matter where you are working (why on earth are you even working? Please read the first point again), it doesn’t matter how much you earn too.
You don’t deserve to even learn how to drive a car till you get married. And the same goes for any other ‘luxury’ like flying or travelling abroad.
Investments, especially landed properties.
Did I just hear you say you want to buy a property? Jeez! What is wrong with you! Are you married? No! Then No, you shouldn’t make that investment!
I don’t even know how you managed to have all that money in the first place. Or did you not read the first point about you not having a flourishing career? Fine let’s assume you have already broken that all important rule, but please don’t make things worse by investing that money.
What you should do is keep it in an account and finally wait for the lucky dude that will come and rescue you from your not-yet married state. For marrying and rescuing you, he deserves to be rewarded with all your savings.
A second degree or any form of advanced learning.
Wait a minute sister; have you completely lost your mind? Did you just say you want to get a second degree and do a professional course? Oh, you even want to do it abroad?
Are you crazy? Is it not bad enough that you even got a first degree without getting married?
The problem is that you have not yet understood that getting married is the sole reason for your existence. If you did, you would not consider any form of higher learning until it happens.
Your own apartment
Oh my God! Someone should wake me up from this nightmare. You wanna rent your own apartment when you haven’t gotten married? Wait, you even want to buy the house? My dear, e be like say dem dey follow you from village o!
If your parents don’t live in the same town with you, squat with a relative. I don’t care if it takes you three hours to get to work, bear it gallantly like an honourable single woman that understands her purpose.
Any form of luxury or celebration.
You just celebrated your birthday last week, and you had fun, abi? You then went further to buy a plasma TV and an accompanying home theater set. As if those are not enough, you are even using a tablet and an expensive phone.
Listen up dear; if John Lewis or Mark Spencer is not your husband’s name, you shouldn’t be wearing his shoe or using his handbag. You should be managing life until your ‘knight in starched agbada’ comes to rescue you.
Lastly, are there other things you think I left out? Let’s discuss in the comment section.
In case you missed the introduction, this is a parody. It’s a tongue-in-cheek article with an exaggerated form of sarcasm.
My conclusion: I believe and preach that life is meant to be lived and not existed in. That means that nothing should stop you from living your best life at any point in time. Waiting for a perfect time, condition or person before you give your best shot at life is an anomalous anathema. Don’t fall for that trap. Live your best life now!