304 Views

The Worst of Times & the Best of Times by Reuben Abati

“I just love this country, I won’t lie”
“What have you seen again that has suddenly turned you into a gushing patriot?”
“I mean, just look around, in spite of everything, Nigerians always give you an opportunity to laugh.”
“And if I may ask…”
“Did you read the report on what the Inspector General of Police, Ibrahim Idrissaid about the allegations against him by Senator Isa Misau?”
“What did he say? I didn’t find that funny at all.”
“He started by informing the Senate that he is free to have romantic affairs with any female police officer of his choice, fair or dark-skinned, plus-sized or lepacious, short or tall, heavy or flat chested, Oshodi Oke or Oshodi Isale, landcruiser or Volkswagen…”
“The man didn’t say all that.”
“You don’t get the picture. He said as a Muslim he is in fact entitled to four wives, and so, it goes to no point at all, when Senator Misau accuses him of having affairs with two police women- Amina and Esther.”
“Imagine the Inspector General of Police boasting about his right to marry four women, and that makes headline news.”
“You can’t blame him for the headline news. You should blame journalists. He has a right to defend himself. In fact, he gave Senator Misau a Technical Knock Out, when he reminded him that Misau’s own parents met each other as police officers. His father, a retired AIG, married his mother a Police Inspector when they were both in service. And let’s be fair to IGP Idris. He has a sense of balance in his private life: Amina and Esther, a Muslim and a Christian.”
“I really don’t find this whole thing funny at all. Instead of addressing the substance of Senator Misau’s allegations, what everyone is interested in is the right of police officers to marry their female colleagues or have affairs with them, and I guess vice versa. And by the way, didn’t the police PRO deny all of this?”
“He didn’t deny anything. The man issued a meaningless statement. He said the IGP did not say that he is free to romance policewomen, but that there is no law that stops a police officer from marrying another police officer. What exactly is the PRO saying? Is he from one of those Kaduna State schools?”
“I think you can now see why the Nigeria Police has been branded the worst in the world. This kind of conversation can only take place in Nigeria.”
“It happens in other parts of the world too. In any case, that is not why one foreign group declared the Nigeria Police the worst in the world. The group talked about Capacity, Process, Legitimacy and Outcomes.”
“Break it down. So, in which of those categories is the Nigeria Police Force the best in the world?”
“We have performed very well in international peace-keeping operations!”
“Come to think of it, I wonder who wrote that on behalf of the Police Headquarters. Does anybody help to vet Police press statements at all?”
“Don’t be too hard on our policemen. We have fine police officers.”
“Like those ones that resorted to street-fighting in Port Harcourt, with one gang fighting for the Minister of Transportation, and the other gang defending the Governor of the State over whose convoy has the right of way.”
“That was shameful. But you can’t blame the police. Blame Nyesom Wike and Rotimi Amaechi. Instead of dragging the police into their matter, Wike and Amaechi should have settled the matter man-to-man, get down from their vehicles and use their fists. Unless they do that, there may be no peace in Port Harcourt.”
“You are recommending physical combat?”
“Yes, the way they are going. A heavyweight combat: It is called two-fighting. In any case, the Governor has immunity. He is free to fight.”
“But you see, when the international community sees Nigerian policemen getting involved in partisan politics or carrying bags for the wives of politicians, nobody needs to do any special investigation. They will just conclude that this must be the worst police in the world.”
“Don’t mind those ones. They should leave our Police for us, oh. They may not be very good at home, but they are winning international medals. That is ca-pa-city!”
“I see you keep defending the Police. Just find a way of advising the Inspector General of Police to focus more on important matters. He runs the risk of being remembered as a romantic Police IG of the Amina and Esther fame! For Heaven’s sake the PRO should have just denied that the IGP ever made a statement and leave it there.”
“You want to teach the Police how to start telling lies?”
“Okay. I just hope that some day in the future, some retired policewomen will not come forward to talk about how some of their former bosses used to harass them for romantic affairs!”
“That cannot happen in this country. Is this America?”
“Nigerian women must stand up for their rights”
“You like to speak grammar. Go and ask those Nollywood actresses who stood up recently to say some actors have harassed them in the past. The way people burst out in laughter hen? The two girls were called names and asked to shut up. Here na Hollywood? Most of the people who condemned them are even their female colleagues. Don’t-come-and-spoil-business, you-these-small-girls!”
“We still have a long way to go. That is why there is so much rape and domestic violence.”
“Come and be going. Don’t come and be defending slay queens and waka-pass actresses here. Some girls will go to night vigils and the Bar Beach to pray for the anointing of a rich, handsome, ATM husband, some of them even go on Instagram to say I like sex, I don’t wear pant, they go church pay tithe sef…but when any man calls them, they say they are being harassed. Er ber-gi.”
“Your mind set is tragic.”
“My friend, don’t criticize me. If you are looking for people to criticize, try the Federal Government and the Nigerian military. In case you have not heard, they have just taken a decision to stop the admission of female regular combatant cadets into the Nigeria Defence Academy.”
“That is preposterous. It is impossible.”
“Yes. Go and tell them.”
“Those girls, the Jonathan Queens, have proven to be worthy of military service as combatants. Some of them are now in military schools overseas for further training. And according to the NDA, many of them won prizes and even out-performed the boys as cadets. Is this about politics?”
“No. It is about Queens. What I hear is that some very powerful Muslim leaders in the North do not consider them Queens. I hear they say if the programme is not aborted, a day may well come when a woman will become a Service Chief in Nigeria and that in due course, you could have women leading Nigerian troops and giving orders to men.”
“And what is wrong with that?”
“I don’t know. But some people are saying how can women leave the kitchen and za ozza room, and will now go to the battlefield to fight war.”
“Women have always been involved in war as combatants, even in traditional communities. Queen Amina of Zazzau. Princess Moremi of Ife. If the issue is religion, Libya and Algeria are Muslim countries but they have women Generals, all over the world there are women who are actively involved in combat duties.”
“I think may be the Armed Forces Council does not want the kind of situation they have in the Nigeria Police where male officers will be distracted because they are free to have romantic affairs with their female colleagues. But I know one soldier. I ‘ll tell him I have a friend who would like to come and give the Armed Forces Council a history lecture on the role of women as military combatants.”
“The policy must be resisted. They must not implement it. Even in Saudi Arabia, women are now being granted more rights. So what would happen to the female combatants who are already in service in the Nigerian military?”
“They can be re-deployed to non-combat duties in the kitchen and za ozzaroom, fa!”
“That will be a violation of their Constitutional right under Section 42. We will go to court!.”
“You better don’t give yourself hypertension. Be like me; whenever something happens laugh it off. It is the only way left to survive in this country. What have we not seen in recent times? Even two of Nigeria’s airports are rated among the worst in the world.”
“Which ones?”
“Port Harcourt and Murtala Muhammed International in Lagos”
“Some of these labels are exaggerated and untrue. But if you are writing a report on Nigeria, and you arrive at the main airport in Lagos, and you see the airport authorities using buckets to collect rain water from a leaking roof in the arrival hall, and you look and actually see a collapsed roof, dangling electrical fittings, rats on the roof, smelling toilets, and corrupt officials, do you need to do any further research? Nigeria itself is rated the worst country to live in the world.”
“Our problem is maintenance culture and the implementation of policies.”
“I hope the Budget for 2018 will be implemented.”
“Yes, if there is no delay in passing the bill and no delay in signing it into law. That is where the problem lies, and nobody this time around should start talking about constituency projects.”
“You can’t rule that out, especially now that oil price is rising. If you know how some people have been jubilating. Increase in oil prices means more money.”
“Not necessarily. There are other variables.”
“You think so?”
“Look, I don’t want to worry my head about money that other people will spend. But we just need to tell some of these state Governors too to get their priorities right. With all the things we said about the erection of statues, you know that guy in Imo state still went ahead and erected another statue for President Ellen Sirleaf-Johnson of Liberia. He waved the people of Imo state away as hating haters and wailing wailers and asked them to shove it up…”
“These Governors! Just look at the one in Kano state for example. Governor Abdullahi Ganduje is advertising as one of the major achievements of his administration, the empowerment of 5, 200 tea hawkers. He gathered Mai-Shayi, Mai-tea hawkers from 44 local governments and distributed to them cartons of beverage, milk, tea, crates of eggs, sugar, cups, baskets and promised each person a take-off grant of N40, 000. Big ceremony. Big achievement.”
“The man must like tea a lot. Mai-Shayi Governor. But softly, softly, you know he is now our in-law in Oyo state. His daughter will soon come and teach the Constituted Authority and the people of Oyo State how to drink and enjoy tea better than Abula and Gbegiri.”
“You are joking. Oyo-state-people-will-never-abandon-Amala! By the way, what is this story about the Niger Delta Development Commission Board and Senator Emmanuel Paulker?”
“Nothing to it. It is just politics. You know all eyes in the Niger Delta are on the NDDC. Even the Governors are interested in what goes on there. The Solicitor General of the Federation has offered a sound legal opinion. The present Board is entitled to its term of four years, not the remainder of a previous Board that was dissolved.”
“Looks like Bayelsa state is in a hurry to grab the NDDC”
“If e be you nko. The moment the President announced that various Boards will be re-constituted, I knew there will be serious lobby and desperation.”
“And blackmail and mischief… It is the worst of times.”

ALSO READ  2019 And The Politics Of Campaign Finance

Get the best viral stories straight into your inbox!

Don't worry, we don't spam

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Latest Posts

Here Are The Foods To Never Eat On An Empty Stomach
Best of Nigeria
32 views
Best of Nigeria
32 views

Here Are The Foods To Never Eat On An Empty Stomach

MT - July 22, 2018

Rolling out of bed with very hungry makes us very hungry that we just eat anything that comes first in our sight. What you do not know…

This Man Lost His Wife and Son While Crossing Over The Mediterranean Sea To Europe
Shocking
34 views
Shocking
34 views

This Man Lost His Wife and Son While Crossing Over The Mediterranean Sea To Europe

MT - July 22, 2018

Forty-Three-Year-Old Ikechukwu Ndigwe, a native of Ezinwoye village of Adazi-Nnukwu in Anaocha Local Government Area of Anambra State, has been running from pillar to post, strenuously trying…

More Photos From #BBNaija’s Tobi and Alex #Tolex Homecoming In Ogun state
Entertainment
41 views
Entertainment
41 views

More Photos From #BBNaija’s Tobi and Alex #Tolex Homecoming In Ogun state

MT - July 22, 2018

BBNaija reality star Tobi Bakre was hosted yesterday to a grand homecoming reception at his hometown in Ago-Iwoye, Ogun State. Comedian, Oluwakaponeski and fellow BBNaija housemates, Alex…

Rainy Season: Top 7 Tips On Staying Safe During A Flood
How Tos
29 views
How Tos
29 views

Rainy Season: Top 7 Tips On Staying Safe During A Flood

MT - July 22, 2018

Here are a few tips on staying safe during a flood this rainy season: 1. Never walk through moving water. This is the first rule of caution,…

How Phone Call Caused This Terrible Multiple Accident in Front of Uyo Stadium (Photos)
Shocking
84 views
Shocking
84 views

How Phone Call Caused This Terrible Multiple Accident in Front of Uyo Stadium (Photos)

MT - July 21, 2018

A horrific multiple accident was said to have happened yesterday by 4pm just  in front of Godswill Akpabio International Stadium, Uyo, Akwa Ibom State capital.. According to…

Mikel Obi Has Not Seen Nor Spoken to Me in 5 Years – Father
Shocking
87 views
Shocking
87 views

Mikel Obi Has Not Seen Nor Spoken to Me in 5 Years – Father

MT - July 21, 2018

Mikel Obi's dad has made a shocking revelation about his relationship with his billionaire son, Mikel Obi and how public perception tend to suggest that he is…

Singer, Dollarboi Recounts His Heart-wrenching SARS Brutality Experience in Lagos (Photos)
Shocking
6 views
Shocking
6 views

Singer, Dollarboi Recounts His Heart-wrenching SARS Brutality Experience in Lagos (Photos)

MT - July 21, 2018

Fast-rising Nigerian singer, Dollarboi, has taken to his Instagram page @dollamachine, to narrate his harrowing experience in the hands of SARS operatives of the Nigerian Police Force…

Why Women Should Free Themselves From ‘The Other Room’ – Obasanjo
Nigerian Women
74 views
Nigerian Women
74 views

Why Women Should Free Themselves From ‘The Other Room’ – Obasanjo

MT - July 21, 2018

While spesking on the topic, ‘My understanding of women aspiration in business and politics’ at an event on Friday in Ibadan, Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, charged Nigerian women to fight…

SEE The Romantic Gift Billionaire Tonye Cole Surprised His Wife With For 23rd Wedding Anniversary [PHOTOS]
Religion
158 views
Religion
158 views

SEE The Romantic Gift Billionaire Tonye Cole Surprised His Wife With For 23rd Wedding Anniversary [PHOTOS]

MT - July 20, 2018

Nigerian billionaire entrepreneur, executive director and co-founder of Sahara Group, Tonye Cole has surprised his wife Sylvia Cole, with a brand new Mercedes SUV on their 23rd…

5 Advantages of Developing Your Own Property Over Buying Existing Ones
Best of Nigeria
99 views
Best of Nigeria
99 views

5 Advantages of Developing Your Own Property Over Buying Existing Ones

MT - July 20, 2018

Owning a piece of real estate has been the hallmark of achievement from time immemorial as kings and influential men of old are sized according to their…

President Buhari: Why I Declared My Second Term Bid Early
Politics
97 views
Politics
97 views

President Buhari: Why I Declared My Second Term Bid Early

MT - July 20, 2018

President Muhammadu Buhari says he announced his second term bid in April to “save a lot of time and cool tempers”. The president announced his intention to…

10 States In Nigeria Where Pidgin-English Is Most Spoken [Written In Pidgin]
Best of Nigeria
105 views
Best of Nigeria
105 views

10 States In Nigeria Where Pidgin-English Is Most Spoken [Written In Pidgin]

MT - July 20, 2018

Pidgin is Nigeria's second most acceptable language aside the universally recognized English language. With over 250 ethnic groups and diversified local dialects, most Nigerians sometimes inter-switch the…

Adorable Photos of Yoruba Actress, Taiwo Aromokun Twins as they Turn 5 (Photos)
Entertainment
105 views
Entertainment
105 views

Adorable Photos of Yoruba Actress, Taiwo Aromokun Twins as they Turn 5 (Photos)

MT - July 20, 2018

How time flies. Yoruba actress Taiwo Aromokun can’t keep calm because it’s her twin-boys 5th birthday today. Taiwo who has been residing in London with the boys…

Chevron VTP Graduates Turn Down 50 Job Slots
Business
102 views
Business
102 views

Chevron VTP Graduates Turn Down 50 Job Slots

PH - July 20, 2018

GRADUATES of Chevron Vocational Training Programme, VTP 5 and 6 under the auspices of National Association of Itsekiri Graduates, NAIG, National Association of Ilaje Graduates and National…

Photos of Fulani Chief Imam, Abdullahi Bachi Murdered by Armed Militia in Plateau State
Shocking
102 views
Shocking
102 views

Photos of Fulani Chief Imam, Abdullahi Bachi Murdered by Armed Militia in Plateau State

MT - July 20, 2018

Armed men suspected to be militia members have reportedly murdered a Fulani chief Imam in a bloody attack in Plateau state. The Chief Imam of Bachi Community,…

Why Ex-leaders Attack Buhari – Presidency
Politics
89 views
Politics
89 views

Why Ex-leaders Attack Buhari – Presidency

PH - July 20, 2018

President Muhammadu Buhari’s Personal Assistant on Social Media, Lauretta Onochie, on Thursday pointed out why former leaders criticize her principal. Onochie said they were agitated because of…

“How Shooting Movie Scenes Left Me Hospitalized for 5 Days” – Actress, Mosun Reveals
Entertainment
97 views
Entertainment
97 views

“How Shooting Movie Scenes Left Me Hospitalized for 5 Days” – Actress, Mosun Reveals

MT - July 20, 2018

A Nigerian actress has opened up on how shooting movie scenes left her hospitalized for as many as days. Mosun Adeleye, a Nollywood actress, has underscored the…

How to Apply for Gani Fawehinmi Annual Scholarship Awards 2018
Best of Nigeria
93 views
Best of Nigeria
93 views

How to Apply for Gani Fawehinmi Annual Scholarship Awards 2018

MT - July 20, 2018

Gani Fawehinmi Scholarship Board – Applications are invited from students in tertiary institutions in Nigeria for the 2018 Gani Fawehhnni Annual Scholarship Awards. Gani Fawehinmi Annual Scholarship…

Loading...